some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Will exercising make me less horny?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
