question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
