I puked a lego.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
