The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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