Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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