Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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