can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
