I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
