I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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