My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
