when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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