My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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