i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
