True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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