I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
