the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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