2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
