i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this boner is exhausting
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
