Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
