The maid of honor just puked.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Randomize
