Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
