i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
my liver is dry heaving
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
