i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
