took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
