my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
