Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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