3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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