ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
