doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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