if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
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But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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