Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
