She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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