I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
