And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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