I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
