My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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