can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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