this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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