Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
