you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
