I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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