wrigley field is MILF paradise
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
