Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(305): View more from Florida

i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.

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(305): i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher. http://tfl.nu/huem

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(951): View more from California

hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.

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(951): hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit. http://tfl.nu/lqvy

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(214): View more from Texas

He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.

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(214): He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating. http://tfl.nu/pak1

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(703): View more from Virginia

i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is

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(703): i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is http://tfl.nu/hhp3

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You should get more absorbent shoes.

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(864): I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe. (1-864): You should get more absorbent shoes. http://tfl.nu/rrfm

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.

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(856): Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing. http://tfl.nu/px2y

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(978): Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room http://tfl.nu/x49g

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(760): View more from California

i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now

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(760): i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now http://tfl.nu/mcne

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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(814): We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus. http://tfl.nu/cwxq

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(858): View more from California

You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...

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(858): You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there... http://tfl.nu/mklp

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(216): View more from Ohio

He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Go her

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(216): He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman. (1-216): Go her http://tfl.nu/p01p

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(954): View more from Florida

I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.

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(954): I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days. http://tfl.nu/jvfc

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(540): View more from Virginia

The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.

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(540): The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one. http://tfl.nu/uhr4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it

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(+44): He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it http://tfl.nu/n5kq

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?

(224): View more from Illinois

50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.

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(262): You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend? (224): 50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward. http://tfl.nu/qmja

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