He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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