How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
sarcasm needs its own font
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
