but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Oh god it's open bar.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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