I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Actions speak louder than pants.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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