And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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