She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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