you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
