I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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