I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
