i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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