She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
