I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
