Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
