im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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