I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Houston, we have a squirter
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
