I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
