I love black thongs
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
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I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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