We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
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I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
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I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...